Sunday, January 04, 2009

i need some rest...

I realized how tired I was the other day. I was looking at a model home, and the sales person asked me what I did for a living. I told her that I was in the army, which sparked the usual barrage of questions and comments. "Thank you" "what do you think about the war" "what are your plans" and I found myself answering honestly for the first time when she asked why I wasn't re-enlisting. Its not that I can't do it. Cause I could. I could do this job for the rest of my life. It is by far the easiest job that I have ever had. I am not continuing my career for my family, yes, they did not make the same commitment I did. They did not raise their right hand and swear to support and defend the Constitution like I did. However, they have suffered through the deployments, long days, and infrequent visits. They have missed just as much of my life as I have missed of theirs. This is the only part of the Army that my recruiter lied to me about. I know that I could handle the pain of separation, and I know that if I did re-enlist, my family would adapt. I choose to honor my commitment and complete my term of service honorably. But I also choose not to re-enlist because I am tired. I am tired of living in third world countries. I am tired of puting my family second. I am tired of not knowing my nephews. I am tired of not having time to fall in love. I am tired of being deployed. I am tired of congressmen and presidents that are unwilling to encourage their children to serve, but are more than willing to put me in harms way and ask my family to continue to sacrifice (while they are further unwilling to give me and my fellow service members financial compensation that fits the sacrifice we make). Offering me an eight thousand dollar bonus for 6 more years is fu€«ing disgraceful. Kiss my @ss. I am sick and tired of being a number, an inconvenience to the medical community. I am sick of being crazy. I am sick of hurting in the morning and every minute after that. I am sick. I am tired. I want to be out of the army. I want to be home. I want to be alone. I want to be in control of my destiny. I am tired. I am sorry that I ever watched "Life as a House." I am sorry that I have put my family through so much more than they ever bargained for. I wish I was still that little boy with spiked hair and a hawaiian shirt that could run home to his mommy and she would make everything all better. I'm tired.

Friday, December 26, 2008

when out on the lawn there arose such a clatter....

no this time it was not santa claus. it was me with a pressure washer....trying-somewhat to no avail-to get tons of mud off the bottom of daniel's truck. we are trying to fix his brakes, which have not worked too well since we went mudding. cannot seem to find the problem however, so i send out this request to the mechanically inclined (although i have a 133 mechanical...same scoring method as an iq test). here is the situation...the pedal has no pressure, even when pushed all the way to the floor...the brake fluid resevoir keeps loosing visible leaks can be seen...when the truck is moving, the brakes will bring the vehicle to a stop, but over a great distance....and after spending the better part of 3 hours working on the problem, i have no other ideas. please help.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Terror, panic, and mania...

I realize as the time draws nearer that i am absolutely terrified to get out of the army. For the better part of the last ten years i have been wearing a uniform, and, as i near the end of this era in my life, i have begun to accept the fact that i do not know anything about being a civilian...i am scared. i know a hell of a lot about the army. regulations, standards, and all the tinsle and glare...civilians don't do this. Chris and Tom always make fun of me at home when i start telling stories. " this one time in the army..." its all i know. My confidence comes from being the one who knows everything. i like to be the go to guy. i like knowing and being able to do.
my back has been hurting a lot lately. it always seems that when one thing gets better something else gets worse. i am finally on a medication that helps with anxiety and depression. i feel great mentally. now my body is falling apart again. i hurts to sit, it hurts to stand, and it hurts to move in between. I need to go back to the doctor, but it almost doesnt make sense to do that...anyone who thinks socialized medicine would be good for america should have to be treated by military doctors. Tricare is as close to "good" socialized medicine as we will ever get. and it sucks. doctors just stamp the paper. i got my teeth cleaned the other day. 25 mins from start to finish, and that is not a credit to the superior performance of the dentist. it took longer to clean my teeth when they were my baby teeth. these are the only teeth i have for the rest of my life and the dentist ran over them like there was no point to making sure they were actually clean. socialized medicine is crap. thats why my back is screwed up, my brain is messed up, and i am finished with the army.
i put it to my soldiers like my drill sergeant put it to me, "You are not special. You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are nothing but a cookie from a cookie cutter. Fort Jackson pumps out 40,000 pukes just like you every year. You are nothing but a number, and you are easy to replace." FTA
I'm done...
sick of this s....
83 days.

Friday, December 05, 2008

The light at the end of the tunnel...

I got my Orders today. There is officially an end to my term in service, and it is officially in sight. with my orders i can now begin to transition out of the military. I will be scheduling transportation of my household goods, and starting my VA medical claim. its kind of cool, i never realized what it would be like to get orders for ETS. my mood completely changed. i am ready to get out of the army. more ready than i have ever been.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

For the love of money...

it really amazes me what motivates americans. the things that we will do for the love of money...we marry, we slave away at dead end jobs, we sacrifice our health and well-being, there is almost no limit. black friday is perhaps one of the most gross representations of the sickness of money. a temporary worker at a wal-mart was killed because americans were greedy enough to trample someone to spend money...we have too much. 1000 dollars will allow me to live, eat, work, travel, and donate money to a non-profit organization in a third world country for 6 weeks. it costs me nearly twice that much to live here in the US for 2 weeks. amazing. the things we "need" as americans is gross. kind of makes me feel dirty. i think i need a break from being an american.

Monday, November 24, 2008

The ball is finally rolling...

I am near the end...

I have 96 days until my terminal leave begins. I am thoroughly exited to enter this new phase in my i continue to make my plans, they continue to evolve.

My hearts desire is to go with my sister to Ethiopia in March. She will be there finalizing the Adoption of Little O, and I have an opportunity to serve in a hospital that treats children infected with HIV/AIDS. This will be an incredible experience for me, and a huge help to the volunteer based organization Ahope. If you would like to learn more about the hospital and its mission, please visit the web site please feel free to donate, and if you would like to assist me in raising the money that i need for airfare, lodging, meals, and incidental expenses, click on the paypal link above and enter any amount.

I am truly excited about this opportunity, and would love for you to take part in this adventure with me.


Saturday, October 11, 2008

working for the weekend

TGIS-i love the Army. I love having to come in on saturday morning because some West Point ring knocker decided it was safer than having soldiers drive all night on fridays before a four day weekend. I love that. Really.
Going down to fayetteville to see a buddy. And stay out of trouble. Funny how that is, trouble always seems to be close to home.
I am still exausted, mostly because I did not sleep in...thank you saturday battalion release formation. But I think I will get plenty of rest this weekend. Good thing too.
50 days until my ETS Physical.

Lovin' life (or at least the prospect of actually having one that doesn't involve owning property in the Tigris River valley)

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