Sunday, January 04, 2009
I realized how tired I was the other day. I was looking at a model home, and the sales person asked me what I did for a living. I told her that I was in the army, which sparked the usual barrage of questions and comments. "Thank you" "what do you think about the war" "what are your plans" and I found myself answering honestly for the first time when she asked why I wasn't re-enlisting. Its not that I can't do it. Cause I could. I could do this job for the rest of my life. It is by far the easiest job that I have ever had. I am not continuing my career for my family, yes, they did not make the same commitment I did. They did not raise their right hand and swear to support and defend the Constitution like I did. However, they have suffered through the deployments, long days, and infrequent visits. They have missed just as much of my life as I have missed of theirs. This is the only part of the Army that my recruiter lied to me about. I know that I could handle the pain of separation, and I know that if I did re-enlist, my family would adapt. I choose to honor my commitment and complete my term of service honorably. But I also choose not to re-enlist because I am tired. I am tired of living in third world countries. I am tired of puting my family second. I am tired of not knowing my nephews. I am tired of not having time to fall in love. I am tired of being deployed. I am tired of congressmen and presidents that are unwilling to encourage their children to serve, but are more than willing to put me in harms way and ask my family to continue to sacrifice (while they are further unwilling to give me and my fellow service members financial compensation that fits the sacrifice we make). Offering me an eight thousand dollar bonus for 6 more years is fu€«ing disgraceful. Kiss my @ss. I am sick and tired of being a number, an inconvenience to the medical community. I am sick of being crazy. I am sick of hurting in the morning and every minute after that. I am sick. I am tired. I want to be out of the army. I want to be home. I want to be alone. I want to be in control of my destiny. I am tired. I am sorry that I ever watched "Life as a House." I am sorry that I have put my family through so much more than they ever bargained for. I wish I was still that little boy with spiked hair and a hawaiian shirt that could run home to his mommy and she would make everything all better. I'm tired.