Sunday, December 07, 2008

Terror, panic, and mania...

I realize as the time draws nearer that i am absolutely terrified to get out of the army. For the better part of the last ten years i have been wearing a uniform, and, as i near the end of this era in my life, i have begun to accept the fact that i do not know anything about being a civilian...i am scared. i know a hell of a lot about the army. regulations, standards, and all the tinsle and glare...civilians don't do this. Chris and Tom always make fun of me at home when i start telling stories. " this one time in the army..." its all i know. My confidence comes from being the one who knows everything. i like to be the go to guy. i like knowing and being able to do.
my back has been hurting a lot lately. it always seems that when one thing gets better something else gets worse. i am finally on a medication that helps with anxiety and depression. i feel great mentally. now my body is falling apart again. i hurts to sit, it hurts to stand, and it hurts to move in between. I need to go back to the doctor, but it almost doesnt make sense to do that...anyone who thinks socialized medicine would be good for america should have to be treated by military doctors. Tricare is as close to "good" socialized medicine as we will ever get. and it sucks. doctors just stamp the paper. i got my teeth cleaned the other day. 25 mins from start to finish, and that is not a credit to the superior performance of the dentist. it took longer to clean my teeth when they were my baby teeth. these are the only teeth i have for the rest of my life and the dentist ran over them like there was no point to making sure they were actually clean. socialized medicine is crap. thats why my back is screwed up, my brain is messed up, and i am finished with the army.
i put it to my soldiers like my drill sergeant put it to me, "You are not special. You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are nothing but a cookie from a cookie cutter. Fort Jackson pumps out 40,000 pukes just like you every year. You are nothing but a number, and you are easy to replace." FTA
I'm done...
sick of this s....
83 days.

7 comments:

Leah said...

Just so you know the doctors on the outside are awesome! You will be so happy...and possibly pain free at some point. I can't wait for your first civilian dr. appt. It's really something for the memory books. And if you don't like your dr. or the service you just take your money some place else and get better care. It's so cool. And you can get anything done anytime you want. No wait in line for money to free up.

Leah said...

Oh and I think you will grow so much when your "definition" of self is shaken a bit. Now in my second major transition I'm getting good at letting go of control and letting God define my self-worth. It's pretty cool and "for freedom Christ set you free so do not submit yourself to the yoke of slavery"

Tom said...

I'll always love your "this one time in the army" stories. You've had some many great adventures, and I think, in a way, I was in awe of that. 'Life' can become such a lazy routine; it's good to have challenges and things that scare you. No matter what, you'll always have a great family and friends who support you...because you are our go-to guy :)

XOXO,
Tom

Anonymous said...

You are good at all you do...and now you can look forward to being a great Uncle too some of the cutest boys you have ever seen in your life. Having never experienced army docs, I can't speak to their poor service, but Leah is right...care on the outside is good! ILY IMY Pete

Andrew M.'s Grandaddy said...

Know what, bud? When I went to Jackson to watch my own soldier graduate, one of the epiphanies I took home with me was the realization that every damn one of those soldiers were in fact irreplaceable individuals. The fact that a DS didn't "get it" doesn't surprise me in the least.

Being the "go-to guy" isn't about professional experience. It happens because of intelligence, heart and character. I don't think any of those things are part of any TA-50 you've got to turn back in when you leave, right?

On behalf of the "civilian world," Welcome Home! We've been waiting for you.

Faith is when you doubt your fears, right? Everything's gonna be be okay, Drew. Hang in there. :-)

Jessi said...

My dad had the same fear about leaving the army. Thats why he is still in!! (actually he did get out and then 1 month later got back in..long story..well its short-long, but this is not my blog.) Dont let the fear of change control you. Or you'll be in for another 10 years. Just close your eyes and think of your great-soon-to-be Leaders voice "Yes we can...Change we can believe in" Thats what I do when the house is all dirty and I gotta clean! No, but seriously, no worries! -Jess

Anonymous said...

Dude, I don't even think I really know you. Have we ever met? Anyway, I get everything you have said. Now, to be selfish....what meds are you taking for anxiety and depression? The VA hasn't given me anything that has worked. The stuff they gave either makes me stoned out of my gourde (typical XXXpams.....take your pick) or the daily stuff, one of which made the situation worse and I often ended up like some crazy Vietnam freak curled up on the floor of my home, in the corner wondering why my arms and legs wouldn't work. Ahhhh, to be normal again one day. What's the trick?!?!