Tuesday, July 22, 2008

196 Days till i come home...i hope.

"24"
Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the dayLife is not what I thought it wasTwenty four hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong
See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out

When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four heartsWith all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and trueI'm singing

Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now

And You're raising the dead in me
I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

And You're raising the dead in me
Twenty four voicesWith twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies In twenty four parts.
I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers...

I've had some time to myself lately, and realize that i am really ready to get out of the army. I get really frustrated with the army politics, and no matter how much i attempt to make a change, or adjust my life to be less affected by the chaos that results, i can no longer tolerate the bad taste that is left in my mouth.

the Sergeant Major of my battalion told me (non-specifically, but never the less a shot fired in my direction) that, because i was un-willing to re-enlist, that i was doing a great disservice to my country, and that i was failing the soldiers that fall underneath me. I work hard day in and day out to ensure that my soldiers are taken care of, and that training is conducted to standard. To hear this man diminish my performance due to his un-realistic expectations for retention was truly diheartening. The problem with this situation is that it is not an isolated event. this is epidemic among the senior leadership of the Army. The sustained war in Iraq is weighing heavily on the spirit of the American Soldier. I have been to Iraq for a total of 26 months since joining the army 5 years ago. That is 26 months of time lost with my family that i will never get back. when i sit and think about this, i am, most of the time, brought to tears. The physical and mental injuries that i have sustained are with me daily. I cry alot. My back constantly hurts. I am always anxious.

There were times in my life when i loved to be the focal point in a crowd. I was constantly trying to be the center of attention. that was when i was happiest. All eyes on me. I spend a lot of time alone now. I like to have time to myself. Time to think. I am most calm when i am by myself. I go to Group therapy 2 times a week, and talk with people who have become friends. My doctor has diagnosed me with CPTSD (combat post traumatic stress disorder). The way i see it, I am a normal person, who was exposed to abnormal circumstances, and is having a normal reaction to them. Wierd things happen to the human mind when exposed to combat situations. confronting death (your own or others) on a daily basis is not healthy.

My last rotation in Iraq put me on what could best be described as the "front lines" of the war in Iraq. Asymetrical warfare is that in which there is not a line of combat. it happens all around. we imprison ourselves on heavily defended camps, and pray that the soldiers on the perimeter stay awake. i was the one on the perimeter. the keeper of the gate. I had to search dead bodies for weapons. i had to treat bleeding civilians. i had to asses wounded. the smell of death is branded into my mind. it haunts me in my sleep, and it creeps into my mind and crowds my thoughts during the day.

I don't know how long i will suffer from this affliction. I am not worried about whether or not i will ever feel "normal" again. God has promised me that will not be the case. "For i know the plans that i have for you says the lord. Plans for good, and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." I have a future. and it is not in the army.
I have given some of the best years of my life to serve my Country.


The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
-Thomas Jefferson.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Agatha Christie...



No I was not killed by the butler in the library with the candlestick...


what an amazing month this has really been. this is the first month of my fifth year in the army. it has been a month packed with training, work, and reflection.




Training-


I spent the first part of the month at Fort Campbell attending the Sabalauski Air Assault School. It was probably the most intense training that i have ever done in the Army. It was physically challenging, emotionally challenging, and mentally tough. There were several times that i wanted to quit, but, through encouragement from my family, i was able to make it through the school...i am now certified to run a lane on a repel tower, and, of course, repel out of helicopters.

The time that i spent at Campbell gave me a chance to break out of my comfort zone and take a good look at what was going on in my life. This assesment gave me the courage to step out of my comfort zone and seek some counseling from a christian. God really works in mysterious ways. Just as i was broken by physical, emotional, and mental trial, my group therapist was able to finally get approval to do joint counseling with the chaplains office. Today was my first session, and it was wonderful to hear the word of God as counsel.
Work-
work has been crazy, just as i returned from school my colleage was sent on a mission. no time to catch up and balance out the work load. this was an unfortunate consequence of our job, but i am up to the task.
We had a lot of Safety training this week and last. There were a couple of preventable accidents that led to a soldier's death.
Reflection-
even though i have had very little time for me to sit down and reflect. i have been working on some new techniques of clearing out what i don't need to focus on. "let go, let God"
It is a good feeling to have the peace of God wash over you. the peace that passes understanding.
sorry it took me so long to post, i will make it an effort to keep you posted.



Sunday, March 30, 2008

Epididymitis....


it may be a tongue twister, but that's what the ER Doc says that i have. i went to the emergency room on thursday night, because the family jewels were in excruciating pain. two short hours later, an ultra-sound, and quick check for hernia, and i was on my way out of the ER with scrips for vicodin and doxycycline. Thank you Moldy-Mary, doing much better now. i still feel like i got a quick kick in the junk, but i am getting better.

it was a big week for me. lots of preparation. we are getting ready for weapons qualification, and there is a lot of work for the training room whenever this happens. nothing like putting cold hard lead downrange.

looking forward to jamboree!

all for now.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

And the Army goes rolling along!

Back in the loop, and sorry for the absence. i have no adequate excuse, so i will spare you the typical Private banter.
I am thoroughly excited at the prospect of next month. after a twenty month long ordeal, all of the problems with my promotion packet are fixed, and i am eagerly awaiting the publishing of the cutoff score for april. perhaps, perhaps, perhaps i will be a sergeant on the first. give or take thirty days. (this is a government agency).
Quarterly training brief is finally over. (that was one of the lame excuses that i had to offer, but decided to store) and i am finally getting home before seven at night. quite the hassle for me, but at least i had plenty of company and the staff in the office was much more prepared this time around.
I was watching the news, and caught a story about how the Air Force is struggling with the extension of their long and arduous tours in iraq (currently four months long), and came to the realization that the secretary of the Air Force must have had a little fuzz in his ears when President Bush declared a "War on Terror" and must have understood it to be a "War on Tourism" the Air Force certainly has us protected at the most popular tourist destinations worldwide (while the Marines(currently performing 8 month tours) and the Army (currently serving 15 month tours) are carrying the brunt of the war upon their tattered shoulders.) Off we go, into the wild blue yonder!

We have seen a lot of new faces around the company as the rotation begins letting the old go and the new come. stop loss is over, and its nice to have new people to talk to....i was begining to think that if i heard the same lame joke one more time i would snap....funny....the same joke just sounds so much different when it comes from a new persons mouth.

all for now.....i hope you are a little satisfied with this installment, i promise more are to come!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

what a week-oh, wait it hasnt started yet

what a crazy week i have ahead of me. i will be off the radar for the whole week, and that really doesnt change my posting schedule much. i seem to not find any time during the week to post-i am working on that.
my company commander, and all of my supervisors have decided that they can no longer wait on Department of the Army to fix the issues resulting from the roll out of the new promotion points system and will be promoting me to corporal on monday. it is exciting for me, because 1.) i will now be considered a non-commissioned officer, but 2.) i will also start getting rated for the work that i am already doing in my current position.
an added benefit is that i can also start making more jokes about the movie major payne.
things continue to heat up around the world, and this concerns me. as much as i would like to visit macedonia, i would prefer to do that as a civilian tourist. pray that there will be a steady decrease in violence worldwide, and that cooler minds will prevail over the heated call to violence.

Monday, February 18, 2008

wow-has it really been that long?

i did not realize that i had not posted in such a long time. a thousand apologies. at any rate-here is the latest.
Lent started two weeks ago, and i gave up alcohol. I am using this time to reflect on what is important to me, and how drinking on any basis is taking away from that. sort of an act of self-discipline. things are going well on that front, i only think about it occasionally and that is because i bought beer on the monday before lent. so i have a full 12 pack sitting on the counter. in the mouth of temptation and sticking true to my goal.
i am excited about NC, but apprehensive of the feasability. i will keep you posted.
things are going well at work, and i am busier than i think i have ever been. there is a lot of training that needs to be completed prior to our next deployment. no one knows when that is, so we are training like mad-as if we were leaving next month...it is an effort to always remain prepared. it is our responsibility to the taxpayers. (and being one myself, i want the most out of my money)
i think i will close this post out and take a nap...taxpayer money hard at work...

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Thomas Jefferson

"I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them."

The State of the Union is fragile at best...

Now-the long awaited thoughts on the state of the union address. although i thought most of the speech was the typical political rhetoric that we expect from an address of this type, there were a few points that i thought were particularly effective in communicating a clear political message. His talk about the War on Terror will largely be ignored, because he is the source of the informations, however true it may be.

His emphasis on the individual in the political machine was particularly strong. unlike hillary's claim that it takes a village, the president insists that it takes an individual. similar to the founding father's ideal that the individual is the key to political justice.

"In the work ahead, we must be guided by the philosophy that made our nation great. As Americans, we believe in the power of individuals to determine their destiny and shape the course of history. We believe that the most reliable guide for our country is the collective wisdom of ordinary citizens. And so in all we do, we must trust in the ability of free peoples to make wise decisions, and empower them to improve their lives for their futures. "

it takes an individual to control the machine, it takes an individual to stand up to injustice, it takes an individual to prevent 1984.

i particularly liked how the president differentiated between a peace-keeping operation and the true definition of the battle in which we are currently on the front lines.

"We are engaged in the defining ideological struggle of the 21st century. The terrorists oppose every principle of humanity and decency that we hold dear. Yet in this war on terror, there is one thing we and our enemies agree on: In the long run, men and women who are free to determine their own destinies will reject terror and refuse to live in tyranny. And that is why the terrorists are fighting to deny this choice to the people in Lebanon, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and the Palestinian Territories. And that is why, for the security of America and the peace of the world, we are spreading the hope of freedom.

it is essential that we continue to fight on the front lines of tyranny and injustice, regardless of the monetary cost, regardless of the lost family time, regardless of the economic struggle. "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." -Thomas Jefferson

By trusting the people, our Founders wagered that a great and noble nation could be built on the liberty that resides in the hearts of all men and women. By trusting the people, succeeding generations transformed our fragile young democracy into the most powerful nation on Earth and a beacon of hope for millions. And so long as we continue to trust the people, our nation will prosper, our liberty will be secure, and the state of our Union will remain strong.
So tonight, with confidence in freedom's power, and trust in the people, let us set forth to do their business. God bless America.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Baby you can drive my car



Baby you can drive my car!! yes, when i am driving in my new car, i do feel like a star. this is the latest addition to my life. a 2006 chevy impala (don't worry, it's not the SS edition). i got a great deal on it, and i am looking forward to driving it for the next few years.


i just thought you might like to see some pictures so that you would be able to see what i am rolling around in. the car is in great shape, clean, and runs great. i cannot wait to drive down to charlotte to visit the fam while they are in town.
let me know what you think of the car, and anything else you want to know.

Monday, January 28, 2008

State of the Union

i am really excited for the state of the union address. i will post my thoughts after the address.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Benevolent taxpayers...

just to answer your question MO...the benevolent taxpayers of this fine nation pay the salaries of myself and those in command over me. those in command over me enjoyed the many days off over the holiday season, and wanted to carry that on through the new year.
but dont worry, it was also those wise taxpayers that purcheased the software that compiles the training database and allows me to log in while i am at home. so, even when i am at the house, i am still doing work from the office that i was unable to finish while at work.
i was hoping, however, to get a shout out for the title of my last post.

Working For The Weekend
by Loverboy

i mean doesn't anyone else feel like this?

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Everybody's working for the weekend...

i am really glad that the weekend is finally here. next day of work is 4 feb.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

8 hours

eight hours. tomorrow i get eight, uninterupted, dedicated hours to work. i don't think that i have ever been this excited. what kind of a nerd am i. the biggest excitement in my life is getting to work.
as i recall, i said appearent. i did not call it suicide. but L i agree. in the end the result is the same. but the end doesnt justify the means. when in rome. (i guess i just dont really understand the saying.)

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

what a day...

i dont think that i had 5 minutes of down time at all today. four day weekends are just too much time away from work...maybe i shouldnt tell you taxpayers that.

it seems to me that my life wasnt the only one that was busy. dow jones, the fed, and hollywood were all really busy. Today was the worst opening for the Dow Jones industrial average in quite some time; the federal reserve bank announced an early, and unexpected interest rate drop-to stave off an impending recession; and Heath Ledger's, in an appearent suicide, was found dead of an appearent drug overdose. what a day what a day. if this was the beginning of my week i can only imagine what can be expected of the end of the week. i have a full agenda all week, and another long weekend ahead of me. then i am off to learn how to tie knots and certify loads for sling-load transport. i am really excited about that.
hope that everyone is well, and i look forward to more posts from all of you. Mo-you might try to get uncle gil to start blogging, i think that he would really enjoy the routine.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Robert F. Kennedy's Statement on Dr. King's Death - Montage

I have a dream...

here's to dreaming...

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - Cite This Source - Share This
dream /drim/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[dreem] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, dreamed or dreamt, dream·ing, adjective
–noun
1.
a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep.
2.
the sleeping state in which this occurs.
3.
an object seen in a dream.
4.
an involuntary vision occurring to a person when awake.
5.
a vision voluntarily indulged in while awake; daydream; reverie.
6.
an aspiration; goal; aim: A trip to Europe is his dream.
7.
a wild or vain fancy.
8.
something of an unreal beauty, charm, or excellence. –verb (used without object)
9.
to have a dream.
10.
to indulge in daydreams or reveries: He dreamed about vacation plans when he should have been working.
11.
to think or conceive of something in a very remote way (usually fol. by of): I wouldn't dream of asking them. –verb (used with object)
12.
to see or imagine in sleep or in a vision.
13.
to imagine as if in a dream; fancy; suppose.
14.
to pass or spend (time) in dreaming (often fol. by away): to dream away the afternoon. –adjective
15.
most desirable; ideal: a dream vacation. —Verb phrase
16.
dream up, to form in the imagination; devise: They dreamed up the most impossible plan.
[Origin: 1200–50; ME dreem, OE dréam joy, mirth, gladness, c. OS drōm mirth, dream, ON draumr, OHG troum dream; modern sense first recorded in ME but presumably also current in OE, as in OS] —Related forms
dreamful, adjective
dream·ful·ly, adverb
dream·ful·ness, noun
dream·ing·ly, adverb
dreamlike, adjective
—Synonyms 1. Dream, nightmare, and vision refer to the kinds of mental images that form during sleep. Dream is the general term for any such succession of images. A nightmare is a dream that brings fear or anxiety: frightened by a nightmare. Vision refers to a series of images of unusual vividness, clarity, order, and significance, sometimes seen in a dream.
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.